I Am the Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist

(parody of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" by Gilbert & Sullivan)
New lyrics by Mike Fischer

The Story: I love Baptists, I really do (otherwise I wouldn't be one). But we have this penchant for replacing believers' freedom with new lists of laws and commandments, and that just isn't what God intended for His church. This is the fourth time I've parodied the Modern Major-General song; the other three were for my hobbies of model railroading, miniature wargaming, and Pirate games, and the public at large wouldn't understand a word of them.


I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist.
I hate the Pentecostals and the liberals and the mentalists.
I have a lot of tracts from Chick to show you how to get to Heav'n,
And I won't read a Bible if it's not King James Sixteen-Elev'n.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters theological;
I understand the doctrines taught with methods pedagogical.
I know soteriology, I love hamartiology,
With many fearful facts of Revelation eschatology!

(With many fearful facts of Revelation eschatology!
With many fearful facts of Revelation eschatology!
With many fearful facts of Revelation eschatolo-, tology!)

You shouldn't speak in tongues and you could go to Hades if you dance,
And God despises men with longish hair and ladies wearing pants.
In short, I'm not a charismatic or a transcendentalist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist.

(In short, he's not a charismatic or a transcendentalist,
He is the very model of a modern fundamentalist.)

I know all our distinctives in the Baptist church economy,
The Biblical authority and local church autonomy,
The priesthood of believers and two ord'nances, not sacraments,
The individual freedom and the separate church and government.

I know we just have pastors and the deacons — they are not the same.
I also know that when I pray, I have to say, "In Jesus' name."
I know some psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, there are a lot of them,
But I won't touch a note of that infernal nonsense, CCM!

(But he won't touch a note of that infernal nonsense, CCM!
But he won't touch a note of that infernal nonsense, CCM!
But he won't touch a note of that infernal nonsense, CC-, CCM!)

Then I can list the Bible books, all sixty-six, so have no fears,
And whistle all the hymns if they go back at least a hundred years.
In short, I'm not a charismatic or a transcendentalist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist.

(In short, he's not a charismatic or a transcendentalist,
He is the very model of a modern fundamentalist.)

slow down
In fact, when I know what is meant when they call me a legalist,
When I can tell why my self-righteousness tops God's illegal list,
When such affairs as mercy and forgiveness I'm more wary at,
And when I know how not to wind up like Judas Iscariot,

When I can sing a joyous hymn and not sound like a threnody,
When I know more of righteousness and grace than any Kennedy,
In short, when I am living what I always read and said was true,
speed up again
You'll say a better fundamentalist has never sat a pew!

(They'll say a better fundamentalist has never sat a pew!
They'll say a better fundamentalist has never sat a pew!
They'll say a better fundamentalist has never sat a, sat a pew!)

I've read the Bible front to back but don't get the intent of it.
I've memorized John 3:16 and that is the extent of it.
But still, I'm not a charismatic or a transcendentalist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist.

(But still, he's not a charismatic or a transcendentalist,
He is the very model of a modern fundamentalist.)

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